Imagine sitting down to watch a football game- it seems appropriate since the season is upon us- and seeing the opposing team coaches sitting on the same sideline, sharing each other’s playbooks, telling each other what their plan is to win the game, and then instructing the players accordingly. What if executives of competing companies got together and devised a plan to both succeed, or the stock exchange was a bunch of people calmly deciding whose turn it was to gain control of the market? How would the world change if criminal courtrooms didn’t have prosecutors and public defenders, but instead just had a group of attorneys who rationally and fairly determined whether it was the prosecutor’s turn to get a conviction or the public defender’s turn to get an acquittal? Or, instead of fighting our way up the corporate ladder, what if promotions were given out equally and to everybody? All of this is absurd, right?

Competition is natural. It’s even useful. It pushes people to be their best, and then be even better. To an extent- although there’s no denying the concept of “unfair advantage”- this notion of competition somehow facilitates a certain hum in society. It drives people towards something, it creates standards that companies have to maintain, and it perpetuates a burning determination in life. We compete everyday, and I’d even assert that it’s the outcomes of our various competitions that dictate how we feel, what we have, and who we are. As a society, we even celebrate competition. We are on the brink of football season, and that means football parties, which of course wouldn’t be nearly as fun if the goal was for every team to succeed. And don’t even get me started on election season.

Less obvious, though, are the endless competitions we face personally. Maybe we are competing for attention, for love, for a place to belong. Some might have to compete for food or shelter. Others are competing for personal success, a way to place value on the space they occupy on this earth, or even just a purpose in life. And all, I assume, naturally compete on some level with themselves. I wonder, then, do the characteristics of competition help in our internal struggles in the same way they arguably benefit our outward ones?

I grew up an athlete. I played several sports and was coordinated enough to be good. I was a comfortable starting player in an important position and considered necessary to help win the game. Even now, I still play a sport, so to speak. I spend my days in an adversarial courtroom with the expectation that I will competently and confidently represent my team, making all the necessary moves to bring back a victory. With these experiences, I’ve learned a thing or two about competition. At the end of the day, you are trying to beat an opponent. That means, you must be stronger, faster, smarter, and more prepared, and if you’re not, you fight like hell to make sure your opposition doesn’t know that. Weakness is death in a competition. Weakness serves only to benefit another’s gratification by allowing them the opportunity to strike.

It makes sense that this approach would be gravely detrimental to a true transformation in life. For, if to transform was equated to competing, we would strive to keep our weaknesses to ourselves. Our goal would be to prevent our opponents from knowing any of our struggles. In my opinion, the competition would get the best of us, and the transformation would end up being the sub-par opponent in the game. So, to transform, we must not compete, but instead strive to connect.

By definition, to connect is to unite or bind, to strengthen, to establish a relationship and communication, and to associate mentally or emotionally. This is what we need when we are making the terrifying and vulnerable decision to change our lives in some way. We need connection. We need people who will listen to our struggles and build us up, help us, unite, strengthen us, and create relationships so we know we aren’t alone. We need support, stability, and the safety to know that our weaknesses won’t be used against us. Sure, there will be friendly competition, and that internal desire to be better will still be a driving force in our change. However, at the end of the day, we need to be sitting on the same sideline, sharing our playbooks, discussing the ways we hope to reach success, admitting our challenges, taking turns with good days and bad days, and then celebrating everybody’s win. Competition drives us to shut down and exude invincibility at all costs. Connection allows us to be open, vulnerable, to heal, to grow, and ensures that we can all help each other cross the finish line.

The lesson here is to use competition to your advantage in the arenas that are appropriate, but also realize that there’s a time to put the game away and instead make a true connection. In my opinion, if we don’t acknowledge the difference, we will sell ourselves and the people around us short. If we are constantly competing, people will shutdown when they are around us. People will feel the competition, deem us an opponent, and refuse to show any weakness for fear that we may strike. Let us instead join the same team, connect, transform, and forever win.