What is a reward? A quick Google search tells me that a reward is a thing given in recognition of one’s service, effort, or achievement. It’s synonymous with a prize, an honor, a bonus, or a gift. In my opinion, this implies two things. First, a reward is deserving. That is, it’s recognizing something that required effort and was a success, and the reward should seek to perpetuate that success in the future. Second, a reward is positive and should make one feel the same.

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the concept of rewards and how it translates in my personal life. I’ve surely achieved a lot that is worthy of a reward. Professionally, I worked hard to become a successful attorney, and now spend my days fighting for justice. That should be worth something. Personally, I’ve completely changed my life. I changed my mindset, lost a lot of weight, got healthier, and now pay it forward every chance I get. Similarly appropriate for a reward, in my humble opinion. Thus, I think I have satisfied the first step, i.e. I’ve put forth effort and achieved success deserving of recognition. It’s the second step, however, that proves problematic.

A reward should be positive and should make one feel the same. More specifically, the ways you choose to reward yourself for your hard work and success should be positive and should make you feel the same. The reward should perpetuate your success and happiness. I struggle with this.

I’ve talked before about my tendency to achieve a milestone and then sabotage it. Basically, I reach a certain weight goal or succeed in a fitness challenge, and then I reward myself with time off from the gym and repeated indulgences. It’s counterproductive and ultimately leaves me with the need to “get back on track” and fix my mistake. I’ve compared it before to a daily two-step: a couple steps forward, a step back, another couple steps forward, a step to the side….or something. Okay, so I don’t know how to two-step, but you get the idea. The most confusing part, to me, is the fact that these “rewards” don’t often make me feel good. So, I’m not sure why I want them. Sure, it’s fun to go out with friends and let yourself partake in the normal drinking and eating festivities. It’s nice to avoid the stress of meal modifications, or the subtle annoyance that can manifest when you’re eating a salad and pretending it’s the nachos your friends are destroying in front of you. These indulgences are part of life- they are fun- and that is precisely why they are built into most healthy and successful health plans. After all, it’s not about deprivation. It’s about balance. But, it’s the repeated indulgences, the ones that aren’t on plan- the supposed “rewards”- that end up backfiring.

Recently, I moved myself back into phase 1 of my health plan- the most restrictive phase. It was a planned reset, a way to switch it up so my body could get past a plateau. I was very successful. I felt in control, strong, and motivated. I was strict with my eating and workouts, and succeeded in losing a lot of weight during the two weeks. My body felt great, I felt great. Shortly after, I enjoyed the high from this success by going out a few times over a weekend. I reaped the benefit of my hard work when I got to wear new clothes that now fit me better, and I headed out on the town with confidence. And, because I felt so good, I was in an amazing mood. I laughed constantly, danced whenever music played, and thoroughly enjoyed the contagious energy of a happy, healthy life. When it came time to eat, I let myself indulge. Again, that would normally be fine, but it continued. With each meal during the weekend, I let myself indulge again. And, I wasn’t working out. After all, I worked hard and succeeded. I deserved a break. A weekend off was my reward. Right?

By the time I got to Sunday, my body was feeling the effect of being “off plan.” I was tired, had no energy, somehow still felt full, and had a constant headache. I wanted to stay in bed, but I was at least able to force myself to get up. Even then, I couldn’t be productive. There was no motivation or will power. I was just lethargic. Was this really a way to celebrate my success? Is this really how a reward should feel?

Absolutely not.

Alas, I finally bring this back full circle. What is a reward? When should we reward ourselves? MOST IMPORTANTLY, how should the rewards make us feel? Shouldn’t we be rewarding our huge successes in ways that make us feel even better? Make us feel alive? Shouldn’t we be celebrating all of the things we did to get us to this place by paying tribute to those things? We got ourselves to this place of overwhelming happiness by eating healthy, working hard, doing mental and emotional work, being vulnerable, opening up to new people and things, and living life. So, shouldn’t we pay tribute towards, instead of tossing aside, those building blocks? Shouldn’t we reward ourselves with more of those positive steps towards the best versions of us?

Why would I, or any of us, allow myself to forget the point of the reward? Why would I confuse what actually makes me happy? It’s not food or a lazy day that makes me happy. I’m not saying those can’t bring some sense of happiness every now and then, but the real happiness is in the perpetual opportunity to love yourself and feel worth an exhilarating life. The real happiness is the moment you’re sitting in your car at a light, singing to the radio, dancing, and smiling because you are having an amazing day even though nothing has really happened. Real happiness is the moment you realize your favorite jeans fit you again, and now you can wear an outfit that makes you feel like you belong with all your stylish friends. Real happiness is when you catch yourself laughing out of nowhere because you’re dating again and that comment he made during dinner Friday night might have been the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. Real happiness is the feeling of confidence. It’s when people compliment you and you actually accept it because you no longer hate yourself. Real happiness is the feeling of emotional resilience. It’s when something arguably negative happens, but you’re able to handle it with strength and perseverance, and you move on with your life still intact. Real happiness is when you know yourself well enough to know what you deserve and what you don’t, and you no longer settle for anything that doesn’t bring you joy. Real happiness is when you take the time to take care of yourself, and when you succeed, you celebrate by showing what a boss you really are. Real happiness is Sunday meal prep with super friends, Thursday night bootcamps where you laugh through the pain, and girls’ nights at hockey games where nobody in your crew knows the rules but everyone knows how to scream when the goal siren goes off. Real happiness is when you finally get to be who you want to be because you’ve worked hard to slowly remove all the things in your life that used to cover you up.

As we move forward on our journeys, let’s work on rewarding ourselves the right way. Let’s do something deserving and choose rewards that are positive and make us feel the same. Let’s pay tribute to all of the things that we did to deserve to feel this good. Let’s celebrate by doing them all again, except this time we will be better, stronger, and happier. We didn’t come all this way to confuse what types of rewards we deserve. We didn’t come all this way to “reward” ourselves by covering ourselves back up. We are lucky enough to finally feel real happiness, and I don’t know about you, but I plan to protect that happiness. So, if you need me, I will be on my road to success. I’ll be on plan, in the gym, eating healthy, living a balanced life, and doing everything I can to make sure nothing and nobody takes this happiness away from me. And yes, I will probably be in my favorite jeans, dancing, and laughing just because.

Everything seems so familiar yet I have never been here before. I am a new person and this person hasn’t been anywhere. I am the best kind of explorer, dominating uncharted territory, and living the wildest of adventures.

The most intriguing thing about changing your life is the new person you become in the process. While there are familiar parts of who you are that remain, most improve so tremendously that you don’t even recognize yourself, and others are too new to even know where to begin. As a byproduct, every situation becomes uncharted territory, and you are the adventurous explorer discovering a new world.

I am still in the thick of my own adventure, and I honestly hope it never ends. Learning new things about myself- getting to know who I really am, how I tick- has been the most exciting ride I’ve ever been on. Every situation is a new one, but comes an odd familiarity. I constantly find myself thinking “I’ve been here before, I think. But last time I felt a lot different. So, maybe I haven’t been here yet.” It’s an opportunity to engage in the best of “do-overs.”

Here’s the tricky part: in order to enjoy the do-over and/or discover the new world, you have to actually let yourself enter the uncharted territory. What I sometimes struggle with is the need to cling to what’s familiar, and that often means clinging to an old feeling, thought, or way of handling a situation. The problem with this is obvious. If I’m only following the map I created last time, I’m not discovering anything new. I’m also hindering the new person I’ve become by only allowing her to follow in old me’s footsteps. Simply put, this isn’t fair to all the self-improvement work that’s been done. This is the equivalent of planning a trip, saving up the money, taking the time off of work, learning all the eccentricities of what you’re actually allowed to pack nowadays, fighting your way through security, getting to the gate, and then simply sitting down and watching the plane take off through the window. Hell no, people! We did the work, and now we get to fly!

If you’re like me, don’t be surprised if “old you” rears her head in the middle of your new adventure. I sometimes find myself beginning to react to old thoughts or insecurities before realizing that those insecurities don’t actually exist anymore. In these moments, I end up having to take a minute to flesh out how I, as the new me, actually feel. More often than not, new me just fine and embracing the opportunity to enjoy something new. So, don’t be deterred by the random thoughts of self-doubt, slight panic, or tempting calls from your comfort zone. Instead, silently thank the old you for her input and then tell her politely to shut up. Allow yourself to enter every situation as the new you and get to know how the new you handles it. I promise that most situations will be pleasantly surprising, if not overwhelmingly refreshing.

You deserve this adventure. You deserve to enter most situations with an unrelenting confidence. You deserve to know who you are, to be the best version of yourself, and to discover and create the life YOU want. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to become the master explorer of your own life. Uncharted territory is waiting for you. All you have to do is drop the map, be brave, and embrace the wild adventure.