Mom: Don’t you feel like once you start eating healthier and working out, you don’t even want the unhealthy food anymore?

Me: No. I still want the unhealthy food all the time.

This type of conversation comes up in various forms fairly frequently with my Mom. It’s her way of connecting to me and my journey with her own weightloss experience. I also know that she’s posing these questions in a loving and supportive way. On some level, I’m sure she’s wanting me to say “Yes, absolutely! It’s amazing.” Then we would carry on the conversation laughing and feeling empowered by the fact that we broke free from the grasp of unhealthy foods. Of course, that’s never what happens. Instead, I often disagree and then start to feel some internal frustration or shame because I’m not like her and she doesn’t get it; and, of course, I want to be like her and I want her to get it.

This tension- not between my Mom and I, but the tension between me wanting a healthy life but still liking unhealthy foods- is what fuels the voice of doubt in my head. It’s what leaves me often feeling like I’m never going to beat this weight problem because I’m never going to get to a point where I no longer like, want, crave, desire the things that are “bad” for me. It is what leaves me feeling like the people who lost weight and kept it off are the people who stopped wanting pizza, and, well, I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting pizza. So, even though I’ve been successful in losing weight and changing my life to an extent previously, I always succumbed to what I thought was my fate when that day came about 6 months later and I gave into the pizza craving. OK, pizza, you win, I’ll be fat forever.

This time has to be different, though, for a lot of reasons. Mostly, I just don’t want to be hidden anymore. I want to know who I am, show who I am, and live my life to the fullest. To do that, I must figure out the pizza cravings. Is it possible to be a happier, healthier, limitless person and still crave pizza? Or, is it actually possible that somewhere down this road to optimum health there’s a checkpoint where the pizza craving is removed forever, and then you’re told to skip along your way to happiness?

For the longest time I’ve felt resentment towards the idea that there was only one way to finally beat a weight problem once and for all. And, that way was to eliminate all the fatty (delicious) foods from your life. I always wanted to find another way that made me feel better, gave me more energy, made it possible to lose weight, and be happier, but also allowed me to still eat things like chocolate and cheese. The frustration that often bubbled inside of me during these conversations with my Mom was based on the feeling that she was proving my hopes of this alternate path impossible. Although she was never saying it, or even meaning it this way, I felt like the conversation concluded with her thinking “Oh, well, since you still crave the unhealthy food, you probably won’t be successful.” In truth, that was me projecting my own doubts about my ability to actually beat a food addiction and change my life.

In large part, I felt broken. I felt like there was something wrong with me being a person who had lost 50, 60, 70, even 80 pounds, and admitting that I still dreaded the gym half the time and would eat pizza for all three meals if I could. I felt like I was supposed to be the type who was now obsessed with the gym and would much rather have a salad with grilled chicken and no salad dressing than a cheeseburger. I wasn’t anywhere near that person. I couldn’t relate. So, I let the food addiction exist in all of its glory because that’s what I knew. And eventually, the 80 pounds I had lost moved back into my life like a self-destructive but comfortable security blanket.

But, as I said, this time has to be different. So, I’m once again tackling the ultimate debate: change your life vs. eat pizza. Here’s what I’ve realized: health and a love for pizza are not mutually exclusive. If I had the same conversation with my Mom today, I would add two very important words: I wish.

Mom: Don’t you feel like once you start eating healthier and working out, you don’t even want the unhealthy food anymore?

Me: No, I wish. I still want the unhealthy food all the time.

Here’s why those words matter: they help me prove to myself that I’m not broken. Let’s be honest, the complete, no bullshit truth is that we would all love to get rid of any desire for things that aren’t necessarily the healthiest for us. If we could just stop into that checkpoint and rid ourselves of those cravings, or the excitement that comes from satisfying them, being healthy, and skinny, and energetic, and happy would be SO EASY. We would all sit down to lunch together with nothing but lettuce, grilled chicken, flax seed, veggies, no dressing, no flavor, and discuss how incredibly happy and fulfilled we were with our lives. Nobody would drink alcohol or ask for a basket of rolls with butter because the cravings would be gone, and all of our excitement would come from the sweet endorphin rush we would have from getting to spend two hours at the gym that morning. After all, we would all be obsessed with the gym.

The words “I wish” give credit to wishful thinking, to acknowledging that such a life without unhealthy temptation would be idyllic. But, it’s not realistic. Reality says we have to work for what we want in life, and sometimes what we want most comes at the sacrifice of what we want a little less. It’s the process of prioritizing what really matters to us that makes the payoff so sweet. It’s the sacrifice of some of the things we crave that lends credence to the fact that changing your life is the hardest thing you will ever do.

I think I found the path I was looking for. The path that makes me feel better, happier, lets me lose weight, and have more energy, but also acknowledges my love of chocolate and cheese. I am changing my life, and that means I am prioritizing. That means I am sacrificing some of the things I love for things I love more: seeing what I’m made of, getting to know who I am, having the confidence to show who I am, and finally living my life to the fullest. It doesn’t mean I got rid of chocolate and cheese entirely- after all, that checkpoint on the road doesn’t exist- but it does mean I work hard to earn those craving dates. Because if I’m going to take a detour every now and then, I have to have enough gas in the tank to get me to where I’m going. And trust me, I’m finally going places.