I have felt a lot of anger lately. It’s an odd thing for me to say- and feel- because I don’t think I have ever been an angry person. Really, it’s an umbrella feeling, encompassing such other feelings like disappointment, confusion, loneliness, and even apathy sneaks in sometimes. Generally, though, I just feel angry.

To describe the basis of this feeling requires me to tell two different stories. Both stories are true and feel valid, although my most honest self understands which one is actually true and most valid. The first story explains how other people’s actions have made me feel. Or, more accurately, how I chose to let other people’s actions make me feel. The second story- the real story- is how my feelings about myself are projecting outward.

THE FIRST STORY: As someone who has struggled with weight for all of my adult life, I have developed certain insecurities, sensitivities, and defense mechanisms. One such insecurity is that I am not good enough to deserve certain things- such as good friends and a happy life- because I am not my best me. One such sensitivity is the idea that I won’t be accepted because of my weight, and thus left out or left behind. One such defense mechanism is self-sabotage, i.e. removing myself from a group, an activity, or a situation before that dreaded moment of exclusion is thrust upon me.

The first story is a combination of all three. I have recently started to feel like a forgotten success story. I feel like I am being treated every now and then like someone who once had great success and even more potential, but eventually squandered it and became a disappointment. What a shame. It has felt like my support network is annoyed that I would let such a great achievement go, and exhausted with trying to help me fix it. On some level, I feel like I can’t be fixed and this is my worst nightmare coming true, yet I want so desperately to feel like people won’t give up on me. Instead, it has seemed like I am being left behind, purposely excluded from various things because I no longer make the cut. And, I will soon be forgotten entirely.

Let me say this very clearly: I know this is not true. I know that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people on the planet. I know that people believe in me wholeheartedly and would do anything to help me succeed. I know that I am loved, supported, and deserving of all of it. I am a good person, and I am surrounded by people who make me even better on a daily basis. With that said, the feelings feel real, and they affect me in a real way. I feel shame, loneliness, sad, hurt, annoyed…I feel angry.

These feelings- this anger- are not based in fact. They are the product of my first story- something that my insecurities, sensitivities, and defense mechanisms conjured up when a few situations poked a little too close to home. Things happened, words were said, and I instinctively interpreted them in the only way I’ve known how until this point. My alarm bells started going off. WARNING you’re being judged. WARNING you’re being told you aren’t good enough. WARNING you’re being excluded because of your size. WARNING you aren’t cutting it. WARNING you’re failing. WARNING they don’t like you as much as they did when you were doing well. WARNING you’re not worth as much when you are struggling. WARNING you are being forgotten. So, I pull away, I protect, I hunker down, and I tell myself I don’t need them. Of course, as overwhelmingly expected, this does NOTHING to help my underlying desire to feel included, loved, supported, and worthy. More importantly, I do need them. Period.

For weeks now I have pictured this breaking moment where my anger bursts out of me mid-conversation and I yell ‘WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!” In my daydreamed release, I would want this outburst to make them realize that I am trying, I am struggling, and I just need help, not a lecture. I would want them to immediately console me, tell me I am loved, and apologize for not realizing how their words were affecting me. What I realize now, thanks to a mid-run epiphany, is that my people aren’t wanting anything FROM me. They aren’t asking me to give them anything. Instead, they want more FOR me. What an amazing feeling it is to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to want more for you when you are not meeting your own expectations of what you want for yourself. What I’ve been pushing away is not judgement or exclusion, it’s love.

THE SECOND STORY: I stopped doing all of the things that made me feel my best, made me feel happy. I fell off track. I disappointed myself. I am not loving myself. I am not supporting myself. I am not treating myself as someone who is worthy. And therefore, I am ANGRY…at myself…and projecting it onto everything else. This is the true story.

The most liberating thing I have ever felt in my life is the realization that I am the one in control. I am the one who gets to decide how loved I am, how much I am worth, what I am capable of, and how I feel. I am the one who has the power to take care of myself, to feel happy, or to not. Yes, there are going to be things that happen in life that I am going to have to deal with, and some of those things might greatly affect me emotionally (Lord knows I am going through some truly emotional and valid struggles at the moment), but I am the one who gets to decide how I handle anything that comes my way.

Realizing that I have this power is…well…empowering. It also makes it that much more frustrating and disappointing when you realize that you have been giving your power away. This is what happened; I gave my power away. I let the situation, the words, the insecurities have all the power instead of my own beliefs about my self-worth. I let everything else decide how I was going to treat myself, how I was going to feel about myself. That is infuriating. That is something to be angry about.

The decision now is how to channel the anger. I’ve pinpointed what’s actually going on, so now what am I going to do about it? Two choices: take back the power or let the story destroy me. The choice is obvious right? Very obvious, but not necessarily easy, I’ve learned. At the end of the day, I just keep thinking about the most blunt life quote that I’ve run across- “It’s simple, really. You either do it or you don’t.” This quote has been sitting on my fridge for months. I put it there haphazardly because I didn’t want it to get destroyed on the counter until I figured out where to use it. Turns out, that might be exactly where it needs to be.

In the end, I will either do it, or I won’t. In the meantime, I find myself grateful. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who love me and challenge me to love myself. And, I am grateful that they give me the room to learn some of these lessons the hard way.