In an instant, she felt lighter, more free. It was as if letting go of her self-doubt broke the shackles that chained her to the ground. Suddenly, she could fly.

I am sitting at my kitchen table with my computer and a protein shake. My shoulders are still burning from this morning’s workout and raising my arms high enough to reach the keyboard is proving to be quite the task. Because I have decided to sit down and write before jumping in the shower, I will almost surely be late for work. I don’t expect to be fired because of it but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. This is important.

I woke up this morning thinking about a pattern that exists in my life. Bursts of motivation and determination followed by apathy and self-sabotage. Whether it’s a good day, week, or month, it is followed by a period of unraveling all the ropes I braided and chipping away at the progress I made. I want so badly to be free of this problem: food, obesity, feeling stuck. I know I am meant for more than this and yet I constantly choose to put all of my potential aside for something that is easier or tastes better in the moment. It’s a tendency that leads to a lot of shame and disappointment.

Although I have been successful in my journey – to an extent- I question what I have actually achieved if I now find myself working backwards. I tell myself that it will mean something someday that I didn’t give up. This period of being off path is all part of the bigger journey, and someday I will tell the story about how I caught myself after a long fall, got back up, and kept moving forward.

The reason I specifically sat down to write this morning, though, is not to visualize the big picture, but to address a very specific question. How much does self-doubt weigh?

When you’re on a journey such as mine, the scale matters. It’s not everything, it’s not even the biggest thing, but it does matter. We want to feel better, look better, act better, be happier. We want our clothes to be more comfortable, we want our skin to look healthier, we want more energy, we want people to notice us. We want to feel worth something. All of those things can’t be measured by a scale. But there is always a part of us that wants the number on the scale to be reflective of our success as well. As such, there’s always a part of us that hears that stupid number on the inanimate object taunting us in some way. You failed. You don’t want this bad enough. You can’t do this. You’re still fat. Not good enough. You’ve given up. Try harder. Fuck you, scale.

Regardless of what the scale says, here’s something I’ve noticed: I feel lighter, my clothes feel better, I look healthier, I am worth something, I am happier the moment I let go of self-doubt. It’s as if I drop 50 lbs in an instant. The scale won’t acknowledge that loss but its taunts will change. You’ve got this. One day at a time. Don’t give up. Even small steps are steps. I bet you can do better. Get after it today. Push yourself. You’re doing it. YES! Thank you, scale.

I truly think that self-doubt weighs on us more than any pound of fat we carry. I am even fairly confident that there’s a study out there that proves this. I’m not a researcher, but it makes sense to me that feelings of self-doubt, depression, loneliness, etc. would cause our bodies to release more of some sort of chemical/hormone that would affect weight loss. Even if that’s wrong, it seems to me that life at any weight becomes easier- and more fun- if we just decide to love ourselves and believe in our ability to succeed instead of compounding any problem we have with hecklers from our internal peanut gallery.

So, if you see me, please notice how happy I look, how comfortable I feel, and how much I’m worth. I lost 50 lbs today and that is something worth celebrating! However, please note, there will be no high fives as part of this celebration. I still cannot lift my arms.