Nearly every night, I fall asleep telling myself that tomorrow I will be better. I will be healthier, more active, positive, more hopeful. I will be the epitome of self-discipline and determination, the embodiment of all that needs to happen to reach my goals. I will make all the right decisions, avoid laziness and junk food, and be true to the life that I know I can have, the life I want. It would be great if these promises were the nightcap to another successful day, but that is not usually where I find myself. Instead, this inner dialogue as my head hits the pillow is largely fueled by shame and disappointment. It’s the voice that whispers “tomorrow you will do everything you should have done today and didn’t.” Tomorrow, I will fix this.

More often than not- at least, lately- I wake up in “tomorrow” with apathetic amnesia. It’s not that I literally don’t remember all the promises of the night before, but that I don’t care to remember the desperation, wanting, and passion that inspired them. I forget about “the real me” who feels trapped by my daily decisions and head into the day as “the me right now” who chooses Netflix and sugar. By nightfall, I once again sink into the bed of hope and cover myself with the sheets of possibility. I set the alarm of a brighter future, turn off the light of shame, and head into another break between who I’ve been until now and who I could be going forward.

If you’ve related at all to my posts, I suspect you know exactly what I’m talking about. If only we woke up as the person with steadfast determination ready for another amazing day of loving ourselves. Why does that person seem to speak up loudest after we’ve demolished a pizza and a few desserts, yet she remains seemingly silent when it comes time to decide what to eat for dinner? I don’t know about you but I am tired of being a person who falls asleep every night making promises and wakes up every morning prepared to break them.

I’ve been on this journey a long time. I’ve had my huge successes and embarrassing failures. I’ve been absolutely positive more than once that I had finally overcome and would never go back. And obviously, I’ve been reminded more than once that we can’t take transformation for granted. It doesn’t happen by accident. We choose transformation, a new life, or we don’t. It really is that simple. Very hard, but simple.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that drives the decisions I make. I’ve wondered how I can go from someone so motivated to make healthy, positive decisions one minute to a person completely devoid of integrity the next. I often find myself describing it as a light switch. When I’m on, I’m on. I chase my goals with tenacity, I get vocal, I go public, I am wild with ideas, and jump in to the world of transformation with boisterous intensity. On the other hand, when I’m off, I am really off. I pull away, I become resentful, and take on the damaging attitude that “I don’t care” and “it doesn’t matter.” Even if I get a push or two from close friends or hear a small voice in my head telling me to take back control, the overwhelming message that I pay most attention to quickly becomes I can’t do this because I am a failure. And for some reason, I find myself accepting that, at least temporarily.

It is so easy- and miserably damaging- to jump straight to “I am a failure” and yet we do it all the time. It’s one thing to play a victim to life, which we all know gets us nowhere, but it’s something entirely different to actually victimize yourself with such hurtful conclusions about who and what you are. It was about a year ago that I found myself jogging next to a man who was largely still a stranger at the time. In fact, it was only the second time we had ever talked and would end up being the last conversation we’d ever have since his connection to my life would soon be severed. As we jogged, we engaged in light conversation (light because I was really more focused on sucking as much oxygen as I could). Somehow, during this random moment in time, he said something that will stick with me forever. He told me to be careful how I defined myself. While it may be important to acknowledge our struggles for the sake of addressing them, we aren’t defined by our struggles. At least, we shouldn’t be.

Thus, I started to challenge that definition. Am I really a failure? I am a great person with wonderful friends. I am close to my family and pride myself on being the best daughter, sister, granddaughter, and aunt I can be. I have a promising career that I worked very hard for. I support myself. I am kind and giving. I am smart, I am funny. I am creative, capable, strong. I have the confidence to be vulnerable, I am a natural leader, and I truly care about making a difference. I struggle with food and I am overweight, but does that one struggle really define me? Does it really overshadow everything else that I am to the point where my failing to overcome it results in me being a failure?

Absolutely not. Read it again. Ask yourself again. Does your struggle really make you a failure? No. So, why do we continuously accept that definition of ourselves? Instead, why don’t we focus on what’s actually going on?

I’ve started to implement some new routines in my life. The most important has been to get enough sleep. More so than any decision I may make to ensure I’m eating healthy food and making it to the gym, I’ve found that getting enough sleep is the one greatest predictor of my overall success. In a lot of ways it has been life altering. Turns out, making better choices is a lot easier when you’re not sleep deprived. Don’t get me wrong, self-discipline and will power still play a role, but one’s ability to overcome is vastly strengthened by proper rest. It also becomes much easier to put additional routines into practice, and I’ve been taught that transformation is built on solid routines, the basics. Momentum is a real thing. That’s all I’m saying.

Next time you find yourself accepting false definitions of who you are and what you’re capable of, challenge it. Ask yourself “am I really ________ or am I sleep deprived?” “Is that defining statement true or am I giving all my power to my struggle?” Let your answers to these questions empower you. We are not defined by what we struggle with; we are defined by who we choose to be. Be good. Be strong. Be capable. Be smart. Be beautiful. Be focused. Be committed. Be you.